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Poradnik:Jak wygra? wojn?
Wybierz posta?


Widzisz? On ma i w?sy, i mundur. A wojn? te? wygra?.

Zanim pomy?lisz o rozp?taniu wojny, musisz sta? si? osob?, któr? ludzie rozpoznaj?, ufaj? jej itp. Wielu przywódców posiada?o w?sy. Ludzie je lubi? r11; ty te? powiniene? zapu?ci?. To sprawi, ?e dostaniesz dodatkowe 5 punktów do charyzmy. Inne sprawy, o których tak?e powiniene? pomy?le?:

* ?adny mundurek - jeste? w ko?cu przywódc?!
* dono?ny g?os - aby krzycze? naprawd? wysoko
* dobra fryzura (ew. brak fryzury)
* idiotyczny ?miech
* sztuczny u?miech (najlepiej zrobi? operacj? twarzy)

Polityka

Dobra, masz ju? wizerunek, ale je?li nie masz w?adzy wojna mo?e by? ci??ka. Najpierw zdob?d? mnóstwo pieni?dzy. W ten sposób odpowiednio przekupuj?c ró?nych ludzi zostaniesz liderem partii. Nie masz/masz zbyt ma?o pieni?dzy? Có?, czeka ci? trudniejsze zadanie. Wst?p do armii, niech przyznaj? ci jaki? medal, potem z niej wyst?p i dopiero wtedy we? si? za polityk?. Ludziom zrobi si? przykro i popr? twoj? parti? w wyborach, aby ci? pocieszy?. Musisz tak?e pomy?le? o nazwie dla swojej partii. Musi ona sprawia?, ?e ludzie poczuj? si? szcz??liwi i bezpieczni, wi?c zapomnij o s?owach typu "wojna", "nazi?ci" lub "McDonald's". U?yj raczej "szcz??cie", "bezpiecze?stwo" lub "Stalin".

Teraz zrób list? spraw, jakimi zajmie si? twoje ugrupowanie. Mog? to by? na przyk?ad:

* prawa zwierz?t
* wojna
* pokój
* kuchnia
* dzieci
* br?zowo-?ó?te psy o wysoko?ci do 23,5 cm
* tibia od 18 lat (je?eli nie zamierzasz si? zajmowa? spraw? dzieci, olej to)

Do dzia?a!


Tak, tak, to ci si? przyda!

Dobra, powiedzmy, ?e masz pe?n? kontrol? nad pa?stwem a ludno?? ci? uwielbia. Pora kogo? zbombardowa?! Ale najpierw musisz mie?:

* czo?gi
* masa ?o?nierzy
* 0 absolutne cywili - wszystko do wojska!!!
* karabiny, np. Ka?asznikow
* podziemn? baz? na-wszelki-wypadek
* jeszcze wi?cej czo?gów
* pos?usznych podw?adnych
* szpiegów i agentów
* bomb? atomow?
* bro? biologiczn?
* flot?
* szabelki
* tarcz? anty-rakietow? (tego od Ruskich nie sprowadzisz)
* czo?g
* satelity szpiegowskie
* wspomina?em bro? biologiczna? Ach tak. Jeszcze wi?cej broni biologicznej z najlepszego ?ród?a, najlepiej wschodni terrory?ci.
* dom z basenem pe?nym piranii i izb? tortur
* ze 2 czo?gi

(Wszystko powy?sze mo?na kupi? od Rosjan.)

Gratulacje!

Masz ju? wszystko, by zacz?? wojn?. Tylko ?e trzeba jeszcze j? wygra?...

Wygrywanie wojny

Pami?taj - zawsze zaczynaj od s?abych pa?stw! Nie przejmuj si?, pewnie na to zas?u?y?y. Na pocz?tek polecamy:

* Francj?
* Czechy
* Francj?
* Dani?
* Pary?
* Niderlandy
* Francj?
* Rohan
* Wspomina?em o Francji?

Ale... Pami?taj... Nigdy nie atakuj Rosji. Zw?aszcza zim?. Kiedy ju? zaliczy?e? wszystkie powy?sze kraje, spróbuj zaatakowa?:

* Szwecj?
* Mordor
* W?ochy
* Chiny

W ?adnym wypadku nie atakuj jeszcze:

* Wielkiej Brytanii
* Rosji
* Panamy
* Norwegii
* Kuby
* Polski
* Argentyny
* USA (patrz poni?ej)
* Niemiec (zbyt nachlani ?eby prowadzi? z nimi wojn?)
* Meksyku (bo i po choler??)
* Uzbekistanu(i tak to jest zadupie)
* Afganistanu (bo nie da si? go podbi?)
* Albanii (nie istnieje)


Radziecka maska przeciwgazowa na konia.

Wielki fina?!

Za?ó?my, ?e wszystko idzie dobrze (cho? pewnie nie idzie). Upewnij si? ?e masz wystarczaj?co du?o broni/czo?gów/kanapek itd. Nast?pnym krokiem jest bowiem ZAJ?CIE CA?YCH PIEPRZONYCH STANÓW! Pierwsza rzecz jak? powiniene? zrobi? to zrzuci? g?owice nuklearne na Nowy Jork, Waszyngton, San Francisco, Chicago, Las Vegas i Stref? 51. Amerykanie nie b?d? wtedy wiedzieli co zrobi? dalej. Ma?ym problemem b?dzie to, ?e kraj zmieni si? w pustkowie pe?ne mutantów. Mo?na wi?c wybra? inn? drog? i zast?pi? Prezydenta ma?p? ma?p? prezydentem. Jest te? mo?liwo?? wys?ania UFO i nadania komunikatu pojawienia si? UFO na wszystkich kana?ach, w ten sposób sparali?ujesz infranstukture. Mo?esz te? oczywi?cie og?osi? si? dyktatorem, ale to wyjdzie zbyt drogo. W ka?dym razie po zdobyciu Ameryki twoje imperium stanie si? kompletne i w?a?nie wygra?e? wojn?.


Wygrali?my!

Co teraz?

Dobra. Kopn??e? solidnie w dup? ca?y ?wiat lub ?ci?gn??e? na swoj? dup? kopniaki ca?ej planety. Co teraz zrobisz, ?eby nie zmarnowa?y si? twoje g?owice nuklearne, pieni?dze i ?wie?utkie dziwki?

Najwy?szy czas na lekk? paranoj? na punkcie ludzi i ich lojalno?ci. Czy masz jakichkolwiek wrogów? Czy zrobi?e? ludziom co? tak okrutnego i z?ego, ?e mog? oni wznieci? krwawe powstanie przeciwko Tobie? Je?li tak, bierz helikopter i le? na najdalsz?, najmniejsz? wysp? na najwi?kszym zadupiu (zak?adamy, ?e wcze?niej nie wysadzi?e? jej w powietrze) i zacznij modli? si? do swojego Boga, sk?adaj?c wszystko w jego/jej r?ce/czu?ki/macki/makaronowe odnó?a. Je?li my?lisz, ?e nie ma Boga, stwórz jakiego?. Masz czas.



Plan "B": przegrali?my wojn?!


...no wi?c znów w ?yciu ci nie wysz?o. Nie ma co si? za?amywa?! Tak jak wcze?niej przygotowano - mamy jeszcze bro? biologiczn? oraz baz? na-wszelki-wypadek. ?wietnie! Czas wi?c odegra? si? na tych suk-in-kotach! Na 48 godzin zniknij z miasta, nie udzielaj wywiadów ani audiencji, we? wakacje, kup par? piwek, zrelaksuj si?, gdy? czeka ci? ci??kie par? miesi?cy pracy. Wcze?niej og?o? w telewizji pora?k?, skruch? i zapowiedz pielgrzymk? na bosaka do Watykanu/Mekki/Jerozolimy/Las Vegas/?ródziemia (zale?nie od religii) po rozgrzeszenie. To jest typowy militarno-polityczny chwyt na g?upiego chrze?cijanina/muzu?manina/?yda/Amerykanina (niepotrzebne skre?li?). To naprawd? dzia?a! Damy im sromotn? nauczk?! A wi?c, maj?c szpiegów i "u?pionych" agentów, gotowych do dzia?ania, w ró?nych cz??ciach ?wiata powinni?my spokojnie im da? znak do uruchomienia zapalników naszej ?mierciono?nej broni biologicznej! Pami?taj najpierw zaszy? si? w podziemnym super-schronie (gdy? inaczej nici z planu) z gigantycznym zapasem konserw, piwa, filmów dvd oraz komputera z dost?pem do internetu (nie chcemy przecie? straci? ca?ej radochy z ogl?dania tych dupków jak zdychaj?!). W czasie gdy nasze zara?liwe i zabójcze chemikalia b?d? zabija?y wszystko co chodzi i my?li ?e jest lepsze od nas po Ziemi, chatujemy sobie spokojnie na internecie podaj?c si? za Zuzie13 ?ledz?c post?py naszego planu zniszczenia! Gdy po paru miesi?cach po godzinie 22:00 nikogo ju? nie b?dzie na internetowych chatach, mo?emy uzna? ?e ju? po wszystkim. Wychodz?c na powierzchnie nie zapomnij si? uzbroi? oraz zaopatrzy? w antidotum (inaczej nici z planu!). Mo?emy si? og?osi? Imperatorem, a tych co przetrwali swoimi poddanymi.
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